My first mountain bike experience.

I went for my first ever mountain bike ride yesterday! (I am reminded of it constantly with the bruise-like pain between my legs!) It wasn't a long or strenuous ride, but it was through the forest we have here and it is SO geared up for mountain biking of every level. I really enjoyed it. I hope to do more next year. We borrowed a bike from Ben's work partner just so I could try it out. I just have to get out of the habit of sitting down when I ride a bike - there is a lot of 'up' time in the saddle where one has to brace for bumps, bend the elbows to absorb the bump...and have two fingers on the brakes...

Of course, this was only possible because both the children were at kindergarten, so YAY, let's make it a habit! Good fun, and definitely an escape from the housework that never ends!

1,2,3,4

Whoops. I've just realised that it's 7.30pm and not 8.30pm - no wonder the children were so upset about going to bed. They were both demanding more stories. Actually they were both being pests - quite revolting. Josh wanted me to read the entire song book we'd just finished all over again and Mia wanted me to continue with her l-o-n-g many-chaptered book. I was happy to read something neutral, but neither of them were being remotely sensible, so I put my foot down and told them if they didn't stop being ridiculous, there'd be no stories whatsoever! I walked out and let them call for me while I put away the dinner remnants and when I went back read them a quick story (teacher style) and they were back to their usual selves. BUT, the minute I'd finished they were back to being revolting; whining for me to read their stories again. So of course I didn't.

If they hadn't been so silly about their story choices, then we'd all still be snuggling and reading on the top bunk! Never mind, I have some time on my hands now.

I'm actually not at all alone in my depression status. (Hard to type that word: depression. Depression. Depression.) Almost all the women I talked to today at Joshka's Salvation Army playgroup suffer from some form of it. I was open and forthcoming and so were they. We all agree that the stigma is the hardest thing to overcome. One woman went so far as to say that Rotorua itself is depressing. Her cousin who grew up here has left and will never come back.

It's interesting. Interesting to share thoughts with other women who would normally just share mundane small talk - I really connected with the truth with them today. I felt calmer and more together. More able to meet their eye. More able to respond without inhibition.

All in all, things seemed a little easier today. I've talked. That counts towards Number One. Number 3 - (spiritual/creative)...I made some cards today for the ladies who are leaving the playgroup. And I even let Josh 'help' or at least observe (from quite close). Both children helped me to wrap some small presents and they did a great job. And Number 4. Yes, that's the easiest part of all: I popped half a tablet. (Only half for a week. Then on to a full one). So all I have missed out on today then is number 2: exercise.

Easily fixed...
:)

I have a good GP.

For the last few weeks I've had a strange sensation in my throat...a bit like swallowing something without having chewed it properly - like a potato chip that's too big. Or more precisely, it feels like I've swallowed a new potato which is very slowly making it's (tight) way down. Uncomfortable indeed.

The doctor thought he'd treat me for oral thrush (one pill) and told me to see him again in a week.

I went today for my follow up and explained it hadn't gone away, but that I also now experience that same 'new potato' feeling in my chest. Is that what heartburn feels like? It doesn't burn though...

Not oral thrush then. Am I stressed? How are things? Any issues? Anything else you want to tell me? All these questions from a concerned GP suddenly had me tearful and confused. Was there anything that was getting me down? Could it be that I'm lamenting the next stage of my life when Josh goes to kindergarten? Surely not. I'm looking forward to some "me time". What then?

He asked me if I was happy here. If I was fulfilled. What had I left behind in South Africa? What kind of lifestyle? Friends? Family?

I gave him a brief summary of my time since I've left SA, including all the travel I did with Ben, how we finally settled in London after 4 years traveling, how having my brain haemorrhage put a halt on things before trying for children. I told him how Ben loved life in London, but when Mia was born, it coincided with a lot of friends and family leaving London, leaving me more isolated and with less support. How we moved to NZ and had Joshka...what a wonderful family Ben has and how supportive they've been to us. I told him how I'd started writing (this blog) to try and find something funny or amusing or beautiful to comment on and how it helped me to get out of the dumps. I recognised then that I may have been a bit depressed, but this 'vent' seemed to help things. I thought I was doing ok?

I told him about the heavy legs too.

He told me that the reason he was pressing on with all these questions was that he had for a while suspected that I may be somewhat depressed. He wanted to know how long I had felt like this. He asked about my family- brothers and sisters? Parents? Have I resolved my feelings about my parents divorce?

Well. I sat there all tearful and confused, but a little relieved too. Perhaps he's onto something? And surely it will help to get some treatment?

He explained that like the legs on a chair, the most stable and therefore best solution would be to have four legged "plan" or approach.
1. Talk to a phsych (-iatrist? or -ologist? I never know the difference, but I guess I'll find out).
2. Do some excercise. This has been what has been keeping things under control for me so far, or as my GP said, "keeping a lid on things" - keeping things from boiling over. I've been really happy lately with my netball training and am glad to be part of this group.
3. Get some spiritual guidance/release. He was quick to add that he didn't mean religeon, but rather some creative outlet - painting or drawing or something to channel the creativity.
4. Drugs.

Number 4 being the least important overall, but important to start the ball rolling, to get the treatment going.

I was stunned.

The most scary thing about those 4 things, without a doubt, would be to talk to someone. And the stigma that goes with it.

He pointed out that if he thought I had a heart condition and sent me off to a cardiologist, I would have no problem with that. I agreed. He said this was no different: an illness. To be treated.

But if I go on these pills will it be for the rest of my life? NO! Is it cureable? YES!

It was long appointment. I'd actually made one for myself and one for Joshka, but Josh had long since fallen asleep on the floor and was sleeping peacefully, so it was a good thing to get all of this out in the open. Verbalised.

Once out there it's a bit easier to accept and to deal with. It's the doubt that it the hard part. So although I feel quite vulnerable right now, I am grateful for the time taken by this GP to get to the bottom of things. And with regard to the throat, it can also be a symptom and is quite common, of depression. That same feeling that hits you when you're watching a tear-jerker movie - a lump in the throat. Apparently...

Tonight Mia told me she loved me the most. "You're the best mummy in the WHOLE world mummy. I love you SO much. I like your hair mummy. I think you look pretty."

Earlier after coming home from the doctor she asked me: "Are you sad mummy? Why are you sad?" I told her I didn't really know why I was feeling sad, but that I was fine. When she heard that she wanted to know if I could read her the new library books they'd just taken out. It made me smile. My little gem.

Big boy

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, I guess. Today my little charming boy, went to kindergarten with his sister and is still there. Even though he's only 2 and a half, we decided he could have a little time at kindy overlapping with Mia, so as to assist his transition. (They normally start at 3yrs). He usually goes to drop Mia off and we stay until 9.30am which is mat time (and snack time) before heading home again, but today at 9.30 Josh was walking around announcing to everybody "it's mat time now!" Mia showed him what to do - showed him that it was time to wash hands, making sure nobody bumped into her little brother (very protective!) and the last I saw of them they were running to the mat with their lunch boxes...not even a backwards glance.

So I took a slow, reflective walk home, and wondered if I'd truly appreciated my time that I had with my boy at home. Had I done enough? Had I neglected some areas so that I could have a quick turn on my computer? Have I nurtured him enough or have I just been happy to let him play with his sister - allowing me more time to myself? I don't know. All I know is of course I could have done more, or less, but I can't change it, except to just keep cherishing the moments I do have with him at home on other days. At the moment it's just 2 days (Thursday and Friday) that he is in somebody else's care.