resorting to pen and paper

This is perhaps the hardest thing I've done.

I was excited about getting on the plane - excited about the idea of it, but the reality is hitting hard. I'm singing my children to sleep by their bed (in my mind) - actually I'm humming Frere Jaques aloud in my window seat, under my yellow blanket, with my face hidden under it and the tears are...hot. No-one can hear me over the white noise roar of the engines, not now anyway. But it's getting hard to remain here with every part of me screaming to get up, to send them all a message, to let them know I miss them and love them, very much. I knew it would be hard and I had an uneasy feeling about it. Is this a stupid mistake? Is it worth it? Will these feelings subside?

Perhaps it's because I've just watched 3 movies. They all made me cry. It makes me think back to a question my GP asked: do movies often make me cry? Of course they do. Is it a girl thing? Or is it a sign of depression? Doesn't everybody cry in a movie (in the relevant spot)? I don't know, maybe that's what set me off. Maybe I should just have carried on watching something else - I wouldn't have let these thoughts in, my children would not be filling my mind with their beautiful faces.

I am quite an accomplished flyer - having been at it for ...roughly 33 years. I'm a passenger PRO, but this is the first time I'm doing it by myself since the creation of my children. They were once OF me and now I feel I am leaving something of myself behind. I can feel their pull.

I understand Mom. Just like you always said I would.