Dear Kyla

Dear Kyla
Today I thought of you: I thought how happy and excited you would be for me as I bought my first ever pair of red shoes! I remember seeing your red shoes (that inspired an English lesson)in our London flat and really wanting some RED SHOES! I think every girl wants them. For a while there I thought red was my new blue, and have been drawn to all the red shoes in the shop windows, but none have really been that practical,nor would I wear them much.

The first step to acquiring these red, high-heel shoes, was getting a red dress. Quite by accident, really. I was at Jo's shop having a stress-free play around and trying everything and anything that I fancied even slightly. (I have overcome my fear of fancy shops and trying on way-too-expensive-for-me clothes) (but only in Jo's shop!). I have a wedding coming up in April in Cape Town (just before Lynley and Simon's) which I have decided to go to and it was as good excuse as any to keep an eye out for something special at Jo's shop. She's just got all her summer stock in, so lots and lots of new stuff. Anyhow, I saw a flash of red hanging on the wall and thought how lovely it looked. It's a lovely woollen dress with silk sides - hard to describe, and I won't really bother, but just to let you know I felt like an old fashioned film star in it. A million bucks! Curves and all - it was a perfect fit and I loved it. I loved being IN it! I hadn't even looked at the price to be honest, because at that stage it was still a play around, but standing there in front of the mirror, I felt great about what I was seeing and I was sold. Regardless of price. In any case, I can pay it off gradually and Jo always gives me a discount anyway.

Now don't be jealous girl...but she gave it to me. This beautiful designer dress - she gave it to me in return for the work I'd been doing for her for her advertising and newsletters and things. You know Jo. I mean, I happily do this stuff for her because it's something I CAN give, something I CAN help with. All the time and effort and great food and nurturing we and our children receive from her and it's honestly the least I can do. So I happily accepted my red dress and drove home aglow.

"It's very red" was Ben's response.

"Typical!" I hear you laugh.

Yes, indeed. But I did get the ol' chin up, raised eyebrow approval from him.

This dress isn't really about Ben though and who likes it or who doesn't. It's how I feel in it. I feel like me. Like I used to be. Except with better quality clothes! Nice.

So the hunt for the red shoes began. And ended today. Again I smiled all the way home from Tauranga, even though, by all rights, I should be hanging my head in despair as I await the outcome of my fizzled Mac, which I took to the repair place today (the reason for my trip to Tauranga).

It's not to say I don't think of you every day: I do. Every time I opt for a "big yellow" cup of tea, I think of you and me and flopping on the couch after a long day - after any day really. Anytime too! You get the big yellow mug and I get the big blue. Every time I open the cupboard doors to get either a tea or a coffee, I have to make that decision: coffee or tea? And I smile and think of you.

I still treasure the two matching, blue, Japanese bowls you gave us - only use them for special "Ben and me" things (like chocolate ice-cream tonight). And I look at the little photograph of you in that zigzag, black, nine compartment photoframe thingy and remember how you were going to get me a summer picture (to match everyone else). You are the only one with a fleece and a scarf. That's ok - I like it as it is.

Well, I really just wanted to talk to you, but a letter is the next best thing.
Miss you.
me.