moody

It's not like a 'real' job where you can just look busy, nimbly typing away at your computer, or have extended coffee breaks. You can't really fake it. You can't really just call in sick, or let a headache stop you. It's always there. Bad mood: don't feel like being a parent today, or a housewife. Too bad.

I'm glad I'm not a single mother. I have said that since the day my daughter was born. I hear stories of couples with children breaking up and I feel so sad and so sorry for them. At least I have a wonderful partner who I can offload on and negotiate a quick getaway with. I feel like I'm a good mother to my children, but I know I'd be a lot different if I was in this alone. Quick to snap, less inclined to reason...a monster. A scary monster.

I think I know what it is that gets me in these moods every now and then: I get a taste of the working life again. I've just managed to get a heap of work done, and it was something I enjoyed and was happy with - nothing frustrating that had to be redone and redone (a bit bolder, a bit brighter, a bit bigger). I felt like I'd accomplished something and had impressed someone. I wanted to go on. While I was 'in the zone' I wanted to continue, to get all the other loose ends done, to challenge myself, surprise myself...but it was cut short. REALITY. TIme to step up to my 'real' job. For a day or two I have the house tidy and organised, put things in their place, take out the recycling, pay the bills. Then the 'efficient me' dissapates in the futility of the thankless task of keeping the house tidy, having nutricious meals cooked and served and cleaned up after, doing load upon load of washing, changing the sheets, hanging up the washing, taking it down, folding, sorting, putting away, changing nappies, negotiating with my 3 year old and 1 year old...

Having a dishwasher does make a big difference - just one less meaningless task to get done.

I am grateful that Ben does shift work and is at home a lot. He may not be free every weekend, or at home every night, but in comparison with other families, he's home a lot - he has a lot of time with me and the children. I shouldn't complain - I'm not complaining so much as commenting. Blogging. Getting it off my chest so I can snap out of it and create something amazing again...

Maybe it's the moon.